MITT ROMNEY'S HURRICANE SURVIVAL TIPS

1. If your home is in the path of the storm, evacuate immediately to your second or third home.

2. If you must drive in the storm, and have you have pets, secure them to the roof of the car.

3. If your property sustains damage from the storm, ask your parents for money to fix it.

4. If you are injured as a result of the storm, and are unable to afford healthcare, pray and pray hard.

5. If you are legitimately affected by the storm, don't worry, your situation has a way of shutting itself down to protect you from further harm.

6. If you are one of the 47 percent of Americans who pay no income tax, and had already considered yourself a victim, contact your local charity for assistance 

7. If you are a member of the 53 percent who do, and had already considered yourself a victim, contact your local charity for assistance.

8. If you are unable to find a local charity, don't worry my campaign has recently collected several hundred cans of soup for your benefit. We are sending them to...I think it's New Jersey.

9. If your home has been damaged or destroyed, and you don't have homeowner's insurance, and still owe money to the bank, don't worry. For a small fee, my friends and I will repackage your mortgage, collateralize it, and sell it on the open market.  

10. If you are concerned about future storms of this magnitude, don't worry, global warming is a fictitious lie dreamed up by 98% of the world's scientists; Sandy and Katrina are ONCE in a generation storms.

11. If all these efforts fail, don't worry, my campaign has assembled a comprehensive disaster plan that will be privately funded and administered. Details will be announced after the election.

12. If you are preoccupied with the devastation, confusion and uncertainty wrought by this storm, don't be, there is an election in three days, and I need your vote. I really, really, really want to be President. 

(inspired by, and plagiarized from, Samara and Jessica Duggan, Telluride, Co)